I miss kissing, you guys. I am so, so single right now that you can just forget about all the, um, other stuff—I’m dying for a good makeout sesh.
BUT I am not dying for the dreaded side-effect of kissing, and no, I am not talking about hickies. (Because seriously, everyone secretly loves having those. They’re like a freakin’ billboard advertising the fact that you recently got lucky.) What I am talking about is red chin. You’ve had red chin before. You wake up after a passionate night only to find that the bottom fifth of your face is splotchy and chafed and irritated as hell. And there is no way that concealer is going to hide it.
It stings, it itches, it looks terrible, and if your dude would just shave off his misguided attempt at facial hair already, it wouldn’t have happened. Worst of all, us ladies have no way to retaliate; when the woman who waxes my eyebrows told me that my upper lip could use a turn, I totally flipped. Although everyone assured me that I do not, in fact, have a mustache (thanks, Mom), I certainly won’t be trying to grow one for the purposes of making red chin an equal and opposite effect.
This is really embarrassing, but once after making out with this guy (a cop! but that is a story for another post) at a club in London for like two hours (#studyabroad) my chin was so red that it bled for days. Like, seven of them (i.e. a week). And it scabbed over. It was not only humiliating, but also gross. As you can imagine, it looked like shit. (And yes, I’m aware that I have just made myself sound incredibly slutty.)
My point is, there has got to be a way to stop this insanity! So, logically, I Googled it.
Here are some suggestions from the Plenty Of Fish forum:
1. Ask your guy to shave regularly and wash his beard with shampoo to make it softer.
2. Apply lotion or neosporin to your face.
3. Explore your sexuality to see if you happen to have any potential for masochism, and learn to love the pain.
4. Buy him laser hair removal treatments.
5. Plot to get him in bed with a French king so he winds up wearing an iron mask (then come back and ask how to deal with rust stains). [???]
6. Kiss him from farther away.
7. Rake his naked body with your own three-day leg stubble and count on him to get the point and find a solution on his own.
8. You could put duct tape on his face or yours.
There you have it, folks. Problem solved. Erm, sort of. On the bright side, I appear to have found a guy with a great sense of humor.