My last post was a lie, or at least it has become one. An unintentional lie, but a lie nonetheless. When I wrote it I felt it—the happiness, the okay-ness, even the freedom of being single—but those feelings disappeared almost as soon as I hit the “Publish” button on my WordPress dashboard and they have only vanished further since.
I’m not sure exactly what sparked this complete change of heart. On Friday at happy hour at the only good bar in this one-horse town I saw someone I formerly dated (hooked up with? I don’t know what we were) for some time a few years ago, and even though we passed within several feet of each other several times we mutually ignored each other except for some very, very fleeting eye contact. On Saturday I saw a more recent heartbreak walking somewhere with a girl, and although I knew walking didn’t necessarily mean anything, I couldn’t stop the thoughts: who was that girl and was that his sweatshirt she was wearing (that looks like his sweatshirt!) and how come he has managed to find someone else while I have not and does he touch her the way he touched me? And on top of all this, I turned in my thesis last week, and despite the fact that that was a real milestone for me, something I’m proud of, I feel bereft, in a way—like the one thing I have been working on all this time, the one thing I’ve really poured my heart into this year, the one dependable thing, is over. My project was quite a convenient distraction. Now there is no excuse, nothing to hide behind when I don’t want to think about all the other stuff. The other stuff being a lack of other stuff, if you get my drift.
There are lots of different kinds of love. I know—and I feel—that I have a lot of love in my life. And yet, I still find myself wanting, time and time again. Sometimes it’s a physical want, and sometimes, like now, it’s a heaviness, a deepness somewhere, a weight I can’t place but feel just the same.
In some ways, I can’t imagine a man falling in love with me. I see couples and I can’t fathom being a part of one in a way that feels right (whatever “right” means). And I can, too, but it often feels impossible, too far away to reach. Does that make sense? In high school I hoped I’d find it in college, and now I’m hoping I’ll find it post-graduation. There’s a lot of hope involved, really. I’m banking on it not running out before something good comes of it.